Dear Nick and Jamie,

I miss you so much already! This has been the hardest month of my entire life! I know it seems silly to write you a letter and I really don’t know when you’ll be able to read it. I just couldn’t go another day without telling my kids how much I love them!

You both will be happy to know I am working very hard to bring you back. I have been to lots of job interviews and even have a second interview on Tuesday with a real office. That’s only three days away! Soon I will have a new, good paying job. And then I’ll rent us one of the nice, big apartments we used to drive by on the way to school. You’ll both be able to have your own rooms! It will be so much nicer than this crappy place!

I want to say again how sorry I am for everything. I tried so hard to make sure you guys didn’t notice how poor we were but Nick, you’re almost 11, I know you noticed. And Jamie, I remember the day my sweet girl came home from school crying because you didn’t have the right clothes to make the other kids like you. I’m so sorry I failed you both so much. I love my children more than anything, believe that. I can’t wait to get my life on the right track so you can come back.

I have had a lot of time to think without you guys here and I know it’s no excuse, but I also grew up very poor. I wanted the best for my children but I didn’t give that to you. I dropped out of school in 9th grade to have you, Nicky. You were the bright sun in my world until your little sister came along 5 years later and now I have two suns! Just like Star Wars, Nicky! I have been watching your movies since you’re not here. I miss you so much.

Yesterday as I was walking home from the bus stop I saw a yard sale. I bought a Pinkie Pie blanket for you, Jamie, and a set of Star Wars ship Legos for you, Nick! It is already built but you can take it apart and build it again. I know you can do it, you’re so very smart! And I know I shouldn’t have spent the $4 because I’m saving for a better apartment but I couldn’t resist. It was hard to watch my babies go hungry so many nights! Now that it’s just me to go hungry, I can spare a few dollars here and there.

I also got rid of the bed bugs in your room! I sanitized all of your blankets and toys and borrowed our neighbor’s steam vac. Even though you will come back to the newer, bigger place, it was nice to be able to do a bit of “mothering” with your toys.

I am looking at that apartment complex over by your school for us. I know you guys hated the two hour bus commute we had to take every morning but I really wanted you to be able to go to a good school because you are both so smart and deserve a good school. And that apartment is only 3 blocks away! It even has a pool! Ha Ha! I can’t wait to show it to you. We will be so happy there. I’ll have the money to buy your favorite foods at the grocery store, and no more church Christmas presents! I can’t wait to be able to give you guys everything you deserve. And I’ll finally be the mother you deserve!

I know I promised you’d come back in less than a year. It’s taken me a bit longer than I thought to get job interviews so it may be a little longer. But under a year and a half for sure! I know it’s a long time and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I’m doing all of this to give you a better life. I want to be a good mama!

I hope you are both sleeping well. I try not to go into your room too much. The urge to open the freezer and look at my 2 babies is so strong! And plus I don’t know if that will effect anything, I don’t really understand science too much. I spent our last pennies on that deep freezer but I know I did the right thing. I’m so glad I remembered Grandpa Bob used to freeze wood frogs in his icebox. They always seemed so much happier when he took them out in the spring and brought them back! You’ll be happier, too, no more jelly bread for dinner or tattered clothes!

Well, I’m going to go iron my white pants again. I can’t wait until Tuesday. As soon as I get this job and save up enough money I can move to Woodbough and wake you up. How did a mom like me get lucky enough to have kids as great as you guys?

See you soon, my angels, I love you!

Mommy